Hello, my friends!
Carried on from last week, here are the next seven days of my time back home in Australia. ICYMI, I have very little wifi and do most of this typing from airports and in my grandparent's spare bedroom during Writersโ Hour while using my portable pre-paid modem, stocked with enough internet for Writersโ Hours and recovery meetings ONLY. I am trying to stay offline and it has been so nice. My screen report pinged me last week to say I was down to 16 minutes a day on average. WOW. Below are the entries of my pocket-sized moleskin that I have been carrying around, typed for you and sent with love. Happiest of new years to you all.
DAY EIGHT:
Weetbix with strawberries this morning.
I walked along the beach with Dad for about an hour all the way to The Entrance โ another part of town. I used to come here as a kid and every time I have visited as an adult it has never been the same and I assumed that was because nothing ever is the same when you grow up. Today I realised that it was because I used to come here for Christmas and New Year and it is the same! The stage they used for Christmas Carols is there, where as a kid I saw a farmer shear a sheep for some reason, the ferris wheel is there, the merry go round, the dodgem cars, the food stalls, even the corn truck I have craved for almost two decades is there and I desperately want corn and butter on a stick but they are not open yet for the day so I accept defeat but happiness in my childhood being alive and well. All of the nostalgia comes back.
Dad says something inappropriate that upsets me. Then the merry-go-round plays โMy Girlโ which was the song given to me by my parents when I was born (my sisters and I all have songs). This feels comforting and a sign that I can get through โ of course, I can! Let it go. How important is it? Is this worth giving up my serenity? No.
Op shops (thrift stores) freaking rule here. I got so many goodies for so little money.
Dadโs whole mood has shifted today. I donโt like it yet I am fully equipped to handle it thanks to recovery. We have plans for something really special later today and now I do not think they will happen, and honestly, I am not sure I want them to in this mood. The walk back to Nan and Popโs place is long, it is hot, Dad is clearly in a bad mood, but I let it run off me. Someone elseโs anger cannot and will not become my own. I am grateful to be in the hot sun, stretching my legs, with op-shop goodies in my tote bag.
I return to pack my little suitcase ready to leave to see my best friend, Rhiannon and her partner Pat, for a week over New Year. Packing for a trip is hard. Packing from one big suitcase into another smaller one is weird.
Poppy wakes from a nap and ventures to find me in the bedroom, clothes everywhere, struggling to pick what to take and says โbest of luck, loveโ and laughs before walking away.
Dad decides, unprompted, to come back to Nan and Popโs on my next visit so we can do the special secret thing we had planned for today. Acknowledging he wants to be in the right and nice headspace for it. This is progress.
Alec, Popโs BFF, pops by to say hi. Dad mistakenly calls him Irish. He says he is from Liverpool. I joke and say โyes you sound just like Paul McCartney!โ then he proceeds to tell me he went to school with Ringo and used to watch The Beatles as a teen when they first got together and, yes, they were always that good so I am told.
This cuteness again, same vibe but different โ Nan: Whatโs the time, Gordon? Pop: Best time of my life, love.
Dad asked Pop if he is going to have his apple pie and ice cream after dinner again. Nan turned around and said, โno he already had itโ. He didnโt. Then she started laughing, then Pop laughed and I see how they can make light of his dementia and play with it. Itโs a very sweet way, and of course, I would expect nothing different, for them to treat this whole stage of their life together.
My second PCR came back negative.
DAY NINE:
I have a red nose and sunglasses burned into my face.
Remember last week when my uncle fixed the door? I personally think it is now worse and am relieved when Nan says the same to me as I have been worried to offend. It is hilariously so much worse.
I sat at the back patio and do some work on my laptop. Poppy walked by and said โyouโre a good girl, loveโ. I still do not think he knows exactly who I am. But I do know that he is used to me being here now and that he knows I am family.
I am on the train, making my way to the airport, ready to spend a week over the new year with my best friend in the whole world. Dad is with me making his way back home to Sydney. Dad points out the island we holidayed on when I was four years old. He asked if I remember that holiday? I said, โhow can I forget the holiday I got a fishbone caught in my throat and had to be taken by a water ambulance to spend overnight in a hospital to remove it?โ. This might be one of my earliest memories, actually. My poor eight-month pregnant Mum sleeping on the chair in the hospital next to me. She kept the bone in a jar, too. I wonder if she still has it? I kind of hope not.
I saw someone running for a bus and was reminded of how for many years I would rather miss a bus than run for it because my boyfriend made fun of my run when I was eighteen. Fuck that noise. Run for the bus if you want, and run for the bus I shall.
To recap the day of planes, trains and automobiles: I get a cab to the train (the cab driver knows my Nan as the quarter-to-nine-outside-of-the-shops-on-Sunday-mornings-lady and her losing-his-memory-so-he-cannot-drive-her-anymore husband) that gets me to another train that gets me to the airport that takes me on a bus to the plane along the tarmac that flies me to one airport, then another, where I am greeted by my best friend and her partner who drive me to their home.
The plane mentioned, is smaller than the bus and mostly empty. The headcount I hear the staff give is nineteen people. I find out during the pre-flight announcement that we have a stop along the way. This is the first time I have been on a plane that stops partway to let people off (ten people get off, how close am I to this being a private plane?) and this is the perfect indication for me I am going exactly where I need to in order to switch off and be away from everything. The flight time for the second leg is fourteen minutes so โthe captain will be keeping the fasten seatbelt sign on and there wonโt be any cabin serviceโ.
The drive to Rhiannon and Patโs house is about an hour long and is through winding country roads along the coast, where I am spoiled for ocean views, gumtrees, cows and horses. Bliss.
When we get home, I get to see the dream home Rhiannon and Pat have worked tirelessly for and towards for years and I am overcome with emotion. I am so beyond happy for them and I am so happy to see how perfectly suited they are here. They are my favourite people and nothing filled my cup of merriment more than walking into their home. We sit on the couch with delicious pasta made by Rhi, and some peppermint tea and we talk and talk like no time has passed at all. Little Daisy, their perfect angel baby doggo, curled up next to me.
Side note: these are the feelings I am so, so glad I no longer numb with booze. Argh. All of the feels and gratitudes and attention paid to my surroundings and genuine interest and excitement for others and hanging on to every word is so incredible. I feel joy in a way I truly havenโt since I was fifteen from the moment I walk into their home. I can never imagine blurring any of this ever again and losing this magic.
I climb into bed and the fact that I am somewhere beautiful and far away from the city is reinforced as I gaze up out the window and see a blanket of stars like I haven't seen in many decades. It is spectacular.
DAY TEN: New Years Eve
I woke up and went to the bathroom to do my daily skincare ritual and returned to a hot coffee on my bedside table, a special delivery from Pat. I am going to cry again, yep I am, here it comes! I have done a lot of work in the last year or so trying to allow others to help me or do things for me, and I am getting better but I have so far to go. This act of not having a choice in the matter and just being delivered a coffee may seem so simple but honestly, it means the world. Rhi and Pat are spoiling me already and I know I am in for many โfightsโ about who does what as we try to out-spoil each other. I feel different this time compared to other visits with them, I feel like I wonโt be lazy, never, but letting them do things for me like make dinner or deliver a coffee because they want to do it is okay because I now realise I am deserving of love like that.
We take a little drive, this time in full sunlight as on arrival last night we were losing light as we came in. In the light of day, I see the only way into the town of Bermagui is a little old bridge that allows one-way traffic at a time. This means you might have to practice patience to enter paradise and I say, it is so worth it!
I SAW SEALS!
During the last twelve months or so, I let go of my previous relationship with my body hair, and more so its painful removal, the shame of stubble and ongoing upkeep and who I was really doing all that for the comfort of. Today is my first day out showing off my new body and really โ it was grand. I thought I would feel self-conscious but I have to tell you I felt as confident and sexy as ever!
I took my first saltwater swim in almost four years today. The ocean water is so healing, exfoliating and luscious. I can literally feel it tingle my maskne-ridden face and work its magic.
We stopped and grabbed an ice cream from the local general store. This is something so simple but I cannot tell you the last time I did this, especially on a hot day after a swim. Perfection.
Suddenly thanking my gosh darn lucky stars. I just found out a friend I had lunch with the day I was in Vancouver before coming to Australia has just emerged from isolation after pandemimoore things. They got it hours later and with a matter of a few hours difference in our meetup, this journal would look very, very different. Thank goodness. As Rhiannon said, I was meant to get here.
New Yearโs Eve dinner prepared by Rhiannon was a nine-course Japanese vegan degustation โ each course paired with a different tea. Rhi teared up telling me how proud she is of me for being sober and that it was important for her to make sure my first sober New Yearโs Eve was not at all awkward to the point that I didnโt even have to think about it. She delivered above and beyond. โI donโt deserve herโ is what I wrote in my journal but I need to remind myself that maybe I do and that I am just the luckiest girl on earth to have her as a best friend. We enjoyed each course in the sunshine of the back deck, which moved to candlelight, and was at all times warm enough for sleeveless clothes and also at all times paired with the perfect company.
10:30 pm we are all full tummies, sun exhausted, delighted to go to bed. I journal and see it is 11:53 pm and realise I can make it to midnight. I fall asleep right away and miss it and have no regrets at all.
DAY ELEVEN: New Yearโs Day
I again emerge from the bathroom after doing my morning skincare routine to a coffee delivery in my bedroom from Pat. Honestly? โI ainโt f**king leavingโ from The Wolf of Wall Street has become a common phrase used in this home (by me).
The aloe vera gel Rhiannon applied to my poor Australian-accustomed-to-Canadian-weather skin has helped. Even when I told her I will still peel it is that bad and she said โno you wonโtโ to which I responded โI can see your face reflected in the window and it says otherwiseโ and we laughed hysterically.
Side note number two: at the time of typing this up, yes, indeed, I am peeling.
Sitting on the beach, it is a little too windy for me to swim (yet) and I watch the love birds play in the water. They are so in their element, truly happy and in love and exactly where they should be and I donโt remember the last time I was this happy seeing other people so happy. Right as I couldnโt love them more, they find a fishing line that never seems to end and take it from the ocean so it doesnโt cause any harm and bring it back to shore. From there Rhiannon takes her tote bag and goes for a beach walk collecting trash and plastic from the shoreline and I join her. That is the kind of person she is, who does this as one of her first activities when she visits the beach. The kind of person I am is someone willing to help and happy to, but never the kind who would think to make this a part of my regular practice when here. She is a spectacular human.
After our New Yearโs Day swim, back at the house, I call Nanny and Poppy to wish them a Happy New Year. Nanny is so happy to hear my voice, that I can hear it in hers. It has only been two days and she was so up for a chat with me. She misses me.
More ice cream even though I am lactose intolerant? Donโt mind if I do.
There is live music playing outside the Country Club down the road and it carries up through the back doors from the deck, filling the living room with sweet tunes. It is the perfect soundtrack for our afternoon UNO match (which I of course demolish). I have a few things I am good at, but for some reason, I am exceptional at UNO and I have no problem saying so.
DAY TWELVE:
I awoke to Daisy the dog cuddles and yet again a had delivered coffee.
As a morning snack, I enjoy a handpicked, hand-delivered strawberry from Rhiannonโs garden. Lucky me!
Side note number three: I will discover the longer I am here that strawberries and snow peas picked fresh are going to be a common occurrence.
Our planned beach day is dropped on account of my extreme sunburn (ugh). Thankfully my hosts and friends are the absolute best and with a linen shirt borrowed from Rhiannon + sunscreen + a cap (slip, slop, slap), we are off in the car for some sightseeing through Tilba and Mystery Bay.
I had a little lay down because ~sun fatigue~ and I emerged to Rhi making me a fresh salad roll. She doesnโt want me to leave, does she?
We went for an afternoon swim because itโs just too nice not to. I sported head to toe sunscreen and swam in a full shirt. It was so worth it. I was standing in the water at one point and felt something move under me and realised I had been standing on a ray! Poor thing got away as quickly as it could.
The afternoon ended with lots of rain. THE SMELL! Ahhhhhhhh. The smell is almost as good as the bao buns Rhi makes us for dinner from scratch, and for dessert, we have green tea with the vegan plum and ginger cake she baked while I napped earlier. I am not leaving. The rain over the gum trees as we eat with the doors wide open is divine.
After dinner, seeing as the rain was not heavy or long enough, Rhiannon pops out to water her vegetable garden. Pat did the dishes and I hung out the laundry, I am slowly moving in. Then we all came back from chores to sit and chat until we were sleepy and retired to our rooms to read before sleep. Honestly? I could get so used to this. I have barely stared at a screen since I have been here and it has been not even thought of on account of all the joy I am experiencing.
DAY THIRTEEN:
No face make-up and daily saltwater swims since I got here have done absolute wonders for my maskne. I am not so sure about the sun for my aging though haha. I emerge from skincare to yet again find a coffee delivery.
Side note number four: At this point assume I get coffee every day because I do.
Rhiannon and I take the two-hour drive to Mollymook to catch up with a dear, old friend Josephine. It has been about four years since I have seen her and maybe ten or more since Rhiannon has. This is the kind of day spent where we listened to Tiny Dancer five times in the car, yelled โCOWS!โ and โHORSES!โ every time we saw them (which was a lot) and when the silences came, they were as comfy as the long chats and sing songs between.
I have so much gratitude for friends like Rhi and Jo โ picking up exactly where we all left off with so much love and glee.
We stopped on the drive home because there was a funny sign for a shop that we just ~had~ to check out. The shop was sadly closed, but it was meant to be as we got to stop so I could rescue a mouse on the road and return him to the grass.
At 6:30 pm we go to the Blue Rock pools for an evening swim. It is just Pat, Rhi and I and a family with three young kids whose heckling gets me in the cold water so I leave with no regrets, and a new fan club. I am once again given life from the saltwater, especially the cold of it today.
DAY FOURTEEN:
After my coffee delivery, I am greeted with croissants Patty picked up fresh and freshly made bruschetta on fresh bread from Rhiannon. HAVE I MENTIONED I AM NOT LEAVING? Holy moly.
I am also told over breakfast that while I was doing my morning writing, Patty was getting the bikes ready for us all to go for a ride. We cruise up to the beach after breakfast, along the coastline for a large part of it โ the beach on one side of us, trees on the other and dragonflies everywhere all around.
We stopped mid-trail so I can drop my pants because something (we discover a little caterpillar) is biting me. This place is so peaceful I can remove my pants in the middle of a track, in an open space, mid-morning with no one around. Not that I think I would have cared otherwise โ because OUCH โ but I love the peace and quiet here like we have the whole place to ourselves.
I only nearly got hit by a car twice on the ride. Once because I was on the wrong side of the road coming down fast, too busy thinking how nice it was to have horses to my right and the ocean to my left and to have the wind in my hair (and apparently in my ears as Rhi and Pat called out โCAR!โ) and the other because I hesitated to ride across the road. Damn tourists (me).
After our bike ride we are keen for another daily swim, so head to the water again, this time with Daisy. The water was perfectly clear and we floated in the current and played with Daisy who was having the time of her life. A huge-beyond-huge stingray went by us, like pure magic.
I turn down a cheese toasted sandwich for lunch as my lactose intolerance is catching up with me and then I get a double scoop of ice cream after we thrift shop. It is all about balance, right?
We headed down for the last swim, and it was super crowded. Instead, we enjoyed the show a few seals were putting on for us all on the rocks, one in particular really loved posing for all the cameras. It was like the seals knew I am leaving tomorrow and I am feeling all the feels about it and wanted to wish me safe travels.
Continued next week!
I love you,
Lauren xoxo
No blessings, struggles or gratitudes lists this week as I think theyโre pretty well covered above.
If you feel inclined to say thanks for this post, please like or comment (itโs free and means so much!), forward it to a friend or you can buy me a slice ๐
I love this! So happy for you and feel privileged to share your travels!
I love the details you included. I felt like I was on vacation too!